Terror On The Loose

Terrorists! Everywhere! Look behind you now! Is that a terrorist right there? I think it is! No? Okay, so that time it turn out to be a rock, but you have to be vigilant. Wait! I think that rock just moved! I’m sure it did! You’re telling me it didn’t? Hmmmmmm…..there’s something fishy going on here……hold on…. I get it now. You’re a terrorist! And dare I say it, but you’re one of the ugliest terrorists I’ve ever laid eyes on. Terrorising clearly has been the root cause of some of those worry lines.

So we’ve worked out that there are terrorists everywhere, and that even my some of my devoted readers – namely you, and there are probably loads more – are terrorists. What are we to do about this current plight? I wonder is there any way that we can stop worrying and learn how to love the terrorist? Hint: no.

Obviously we are living through very grave times and I don’t mean to make light of the present situation. But if I don’t then who will? The War on Terror occasionally needs some comic relief. The troops get entertained so why can’t the civilians get to have a laugh at the state of affairs.? So we’re agreed that I can make jokes. Besides it’s in the Geneva Convention: Article 36b “All persons have the right to have a good hearty chuckle at the war and at terrorists, so as to assuage peoples fears a little.” It’s at the back of the Geneva Convention, scrawled in crayon. Oh, and I tend to misquote liberally.

I’m not too worried about any retribution. Terrorists it seems have bigger fish to fry. Their either blowing up planes or making dirty bombs or plotting to poison the water supply with Mi Wadi. It always the marquee, headline grabbing operations with terrorists. What they is some more fun-loving, happy-go-lucky style missions; ones that might soften up their severe image a little. I’d suggest they drop some stink bombs in the Houses of Parliament, or maybe empty a bottle of Fairy Liquid into the Trevi Fountain.

I’d love to see Tony Blair on Sky News deploring these acts. “This grave eggy fart stench of terror that wafted up by my cabinet desk is surely the work of al-qaeda. This is stinkiness on an unprecedented level”. Or George Bush jetting into Rome and vowing to stand shoulder to shoulder with his Italian ally: “Weeeeeeee! I like bubbles.”

A change of tactic by the terrorists of this magnitude is sadly unlikely. So maybe it’s up to us to extend the olive branch. A World Terrorist Day where we give them carte blanche to do whatever they like, while we do a house-swap and cower in some of those semi-detached caves they like so much, might do a lot to to ease the existing tensions. We could explain what’s important to us and they might find some of our traditions seem interesting and adopt them as their own. Where I wonder would Basra finish in the Tidy Towns competition? Maybe the Ennis Town Council could send some delegates over to Tora Bora to improve up on it’s Entante Florale chances.

Communication is the key to understanding our terrorist brethren. If we have a platform to share recipes or music or even fashion tips, I think we’ll get along much better. A cultural exchange, like we do with those annoying French students would be ideal. Two terrorists to a home, taken under the wing of a lovely Irish family for a unique insight into snogging and hanging about in gangs wearing luminous windcheaters.

That’s my short manifesto for change. I really think we can work it out folks if we just spread a little TLC about the place. Always remember that wonderful adage: “A terrorist is just a friend you haven’t met. Who may blow you up.”

The Zeitghost