The doyenne of Irish modeling, Michelle Rocca, has been forced to relinquish her title of ‘Ex-Miss Ireland’, a moniker she has held since the year after she originally won the title. Henceforth she will be referred to in VIP, Sunday Independent gossip columns etc. as “Michelle Rocca, Ex-Ex-Miss Ireland.” She is rumored to be livid.
The shock announcement came at a press conference to launch the 2005 Miss Ireland competition. Chairman of the Miss Ireland Committee, Mr. Donald DeLane, offered his sympathies to Ms. Rocca, but suggested that she should simply get on with the rest of her life, and enjoy the honour of being an ‘Ex-Ex-Miss Ireland’.
The reason for the decision is unclear. Some have suggested that more recent Miss Ireland winners have considered the title of ‘Ex-Miss Ireland’ to be tainted. A source close to recent Miss Ireland winners claimed that, “Nobody wants to be bracketed with a load of old haggard windbags who won it forty years ago. They all look like rancid roadkill.”
Efforts to ‘reclaim’ the title of Ex-Miss Ireland began in earnest some months ago. A standoff between members of the Miss Ireland Committee and recent winners of the title ensued. Matters came to a head when Ex-Miss Ireland and Ex-Miss World, Rosanna Davidson, threatened to horribly disfigure her pretty face with an electric sander. The top brass relented, thus inventing the rule that anyone who won the Miss Ireland Award ten years ago now had to work under the soubriquet of “Ex-Ex-Miss Ireland” or “Former
Ex-Miss Ireland”
Ms Rocca’s threats to horribly disfigure her face with a sander were met with bemusement, everyone assuming she did that a long time ago.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Kerr Laments Bigley Beheading
Brian Kerr extended his sympathies to the family of Ken Bigley, the hostage beheaded in Iraq. Kerr revealed that Bigley, who was issued with an Irish passport in the course of his ordeal, was “very much in his plans for World Cup 2006”, and had intended to draft the veteran into his squad for the friendly against Croatia.
He suggested that he had planned to use Bigley in the forward line. “I imagined he’d have been perfect foil for Robbie Keane”, said the Ireland manager, “having a wealth of experience, being well traveled,…..a cool head.”
The Irish manager said he had put the wheels in motion for a dramatic call-up for Bigley should he have arrived home safely. “Once I heard Bertie had issued the passport, I was on the blower to FIFA to see if I’d get the all clear. They said it wasn’t a problem, just as long as he made it home in one piece.” Luck wasn’t on Kerr’s side.
However, he remained philosophical, “That’s football……..you lose players all the time. Look at Mattie Holland; he hasn’t played for two months with his thigh strain. We’ll cope.”
Kerr even managed to take some positives out of the bleak affair. He stressed the need for closer links with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and his militant group. “We can learn from this. Look at how fast that passport came through.” The Irish manager suggested that English starlet Wayne Rooney could have been captured. “The boy Rooney’s got some Irish blood, doesn’t he? Imagine if they’d got to him a few years back, and not beheaded him. He could be playing for us.”
The future lies in the Middle East according to Kerr, and he stressed forging closer links with al-Zarqawi. “If we set up an academy scheme run by al-Zarqawi, we’d have talent from all over the globe declaring for Ireland. It’d be super”.
He suggested that he had planned to use Bigley in the forward line. “I imagined he’d have been perfect foil for Robbie Keane”, said the Ireland manager, “having a wealth of experience, being well traveled,…..a cool head.”
The Irish manager said he had put the wheels in motion for a dramatic call-up for Bigley should he have arrived home safely. “Once I heard Bertie had issued the passport, I was on the blower to FIFA to see if I’d get the all clear. They said it wasn’t a problem, just as long as he made it home in one piece.” Luck wasn’t on Kerr’s side.
However, he remained philosophical, “That’s football……..you lose players all the time. Look at Mattie Holland; he hasn’t played for two months with his thigh strain. We’ll cope.”
Kerr even managed to take some positives out of the bleak affair. He stressed the need for closer links with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and his militant group. “We can learn from this. Look at how fast that passport came through.” The Irish manager suggested that English starlet Wayne Rooney could have been captured. “The boy Rooney’s got some Irish blood, doesn’t he? Imagine if they’d got to him a few years back, and not beheaded him. He could be playing for us.”
The future lies in the Middle East according to Kerr, and he stressed forging closer links with al-Zarqawi. “If we set up an academy scheme run by al-Zarqawi, we’d have talent from all over the globe declaring for Ireland. It’d be super”.
Waterford Crystal spotted on a bender
The disgraced Irish Olympic show jumper, Waterford Crystal, was seen stumbling out of Lillies Bordello at an ungodly hour with eyewitnesses reporting him looking “worse for wear”.
A spokesman for the salubrious Dublin nightspot would neither confirm nor deny reports that Waterford Crystal, a horse, was inebriated, stating simply that, “Waterford Crystal was on the premises on the night of 6th November.”
There have been rumours circulating around the socialite scene that Waterford Crystal’s drug problem is out of control. The horse was discovered with a potent cocktail of banned substances in his system during the Olympics.
A barman working in Lillies on the night in question claimed to have seen Waterford Crystal acting quite strange. “He was all over the shop. Snorting, puffing, pulling faces, kicking out, generally acting out of it. He even did a big shit in the middle of the dance floor. And only Brian O’Driscoll is allowed to do that”.
Waterford Crystal’s owner, Dr. Tony O’Reilly, suggested that this was no more than a regular night of gentle boisterousness, blaming the media for causing a feeding frenzy. “Waterford Crystal is a young horse, and like all young horses, he just wants to go out with his mates and have a good time.” said Mr. O’Reilly.
An even more bizarre story suggested that Paul McGrath emerged from Lillies, naked, Lady Godiva like, atop of Waterford Crystal in the early morning. This was scotched by the man himself; “No way. Absolute nonsense……….It was Eamon Dumphy’s back I was on. And I was coming out of O’Dywers, not Lillies.” The former Republic of Ireland did, however, say it was “an understandable mistake to make, I suppose.”
A spokesman for the salubrious Dublin nightspot would neither confirm nor deny reports that Waterford Crystal, a horse, was inebriated, stating simply that, “Waterford Crystal was on the premises on the night of 6th November.”
There have been rumours circulating around the socialite scene that Waterford Crystal’s drug problem is out of control. The horse was discovered with a potent cocktail of banned substances in his system during the Olympics.
A barman working in Lillies on the night in question claimed to have seen Waterford Crystal acting quite strange. “He was all over the shop. Snorting, puffing, pulling faces, kicking out, generally acting out of it. He even did a big shit in the middle of the dance floor. And only Brian O’Driscoll is allowed to do that”.
Waterford Crystal’s owner, Dr. Tony O’Reilly, suggested that this was no more than a regular night of gentle boisterousness, blaming the media for causing a feeding frenzy. “Waterford Crystal is a young horse, and like all young horses, he just wants to go out with his mates and have a good time.” said Mr. O’Reilly.
An even more bizarre story suggested that Paul McGrath emerged from Lillies, naked, Lady Godiva like, atop of Waterford Crystal in the early morning. This was scotched by the man himself; “No way. Absolute nonsense……….It was Eamon Dumphy’s back I was on. And I was coming out of O’Dywers, not Lillies.” The former Republic of Ireland did, however, say it was “an understandable mistake to make, I suppose.”
McCartney Sisters Set To Release Single
The three McCartney sisters are all set to storm the charts with a re-working of Marcie Blane's classic teen hit, "Bobby's Girl". The group have roped in the help of pop svengalis Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh, and fabled production team The Matrix - responsible for hits by the likes of Avril Lavigne - with what is believed to be a contemporary disco-pop version, re-named "Bobby's Girlz".
The song is believed to include a heartfelt plea to the killers of Robert McCartney, who was beaten to death out side McGuinesses pub in Belfast, to come forward to turn themselves over to the police. The leader of Sinn Fein, Gerry Adams, is also rumoured to be in line for some severe admonishment. A source who heard an early version of the song suggests that Adams is "lampooned throughout..........the sisters think his excuses are totally wack, and they're not afraid of singing it." The source was quick to add that the song is "funky, fresh, and will go off on dancefloors across the nation."
The Sinn Fein is reportedly furious about the forthcoming release of the single. They claim that no such releases are covered under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement. They have also been slow to quash rumours that a planned answer single is being recorded by Martin McGuiness and Mitchell McLaughlin. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm or deny reports that the pair are busy in the studio working on a cover version of Tracy Chapman’s classic, “You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All”. Dr. Fox of the Pepsi Chart Countdown has suggested this could be “the biggest showdown in the charts since Blur versus Oasis.”
The song is believed to include a heartfelt plea to the killers of Robert McCartney, who was beaten to death out side McGuinesses pub in Belfast, to come forward to turn themselves over to the police. The leader of Sinn Fein, Gerry Adams, is also rumoured to be in line for some severe admonishment. A source who heard an early version of the song suggests that Adams is "lampooned throughout..........the sisters think his excuses are totally wack, and they're not afraid of singing it." The source was quick to add that the song is "funky, fresh, and will go off on dancefloors across the nation."
The Sinn Fein is reportedly furious about the forthcoming release of the single. They claim that no such releases are covered under the terms of the Good Friday Agreement. They have also been slow to quash rumours that a planned answer single is being recorded by Martin McGuiness and Mitchell McLaughlin. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm or deny reports that the pair are busy in the studio working on a cover version of Tracy Chapman’s classic, “You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All”. Dr. Fox of the Pepsi Chart Countdown has suggested this could be “the biggest showdown in the charts since Blur versus Oasis.”
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