Cup of Woe

This is for, all intents and proposes, a momentous week for Ireland. The Ryder Cup is here. The biannual golfing slugfest between the US and Europe rolls into town, 24 of the world's finest strokemakers doing battle in the plush surroundings of the K Club. What an occasion. Memo to all the people involved in the Ryder Cup: No one cares.

Oh, all right, some people care, some rich people who like golf, but for the hoi polloi, it's a case of 'Will this mean an end to those woefully OTT AIB ads? If so, then yes I am looking for ward to it. Otherwise I do not give a rats ass." I'm not trying to belittle golf; it's a fantastic sport and it saves a lot of marriages, but the fact that two sprawling continents are squabbling over a bit of tin, demeans everyone involved. Even I feel cheapened by having to write about it in my column.

And all this palaver over ripping off those coming. Rip Off Ireland back in action read the headlines. Who cares? It's a load of rich people coming over for a weekend of golf. If you can't rip off rich people, well who can you rip off? They won't even care or notice. Now if it was the Homeless World Cup of Golf I would be up in arms, but seeing as these people have enough money to flit away on flying over here for the Ryder Cup, then they should be charged 14 euros for a pint.

I really can't get too excited cheering for Europe. It's Europe, loads of different people and places I have no affection or association with at all. These people are our arch nemeses from the Eurovision. How can I be expected to join in the camaraderie with my Luxembourger brethren when I know that their voting panel gave us nul points earlier this year. They are landlocked scum. Period.

And how about across the rest of Europe. Will there be dancing on the streets in Bratislava if Europe win? Bonfires in Bergen? Celebratory Ak47 gunfire in Ankara? No, because all these golfers will just piss off back to their houses felling smug about themselves. If the team was forced on a infinite tour of every village in Europe, give a speech in every town centre on the back of an articulated truck then perform a hearty rendition of 'Rock and Roll Kids' by Charlie McGettigan and Paul Harrington, maybe, maybe I'd have a little more respect.

It could be worse I guess: they could be playing pitch and putt. I find it hard to fathom the logic behind becoming a pitch and putt whizz. It's not a proper sport, it's a third of a sport. Like being good at penalties in soccer, but not being able to run. Surely if you get good at it you should grow up, stop shouting at the eleven year olds up ahead to play quicker, invest in more than two clubs. It's depressing watching fully grown adults preening about the truncated course acting like Tiger Woods competing in the Community games. No parent or guardian should be allowed on the pitch and putt course without the accompaniment of a minor. Simple.

The Ryder Cup leaves us all with a dilemma about what to do to successfully avoid it for the coming weekend. There will be bleatings in the press and on telly about it all the time because it's a rich people's sport and rich people run the show and us regular plebs have to put it with rich people's crap like we always do. I say we should use this opportunity to make golf a bit more egalitarian; play some street golf over the weekend, ie. whacking a ball of wound elastics with an umbrella around the town, occupy the local golf courses and plant love heart shaped flower beds on the greens, and distribute Pringle sweaters and plus-four trousers kids to from the wrong side of the tracks. Fingers crossed, if these schemes have the desired effect, and we make lots of money from them, by the time the Ryder Cup comes again we might be rich enough to care.

The Zeitghost