Wanker Wednesday: No. 1 Louis Walsh

Welcome to a new and hotly anticipated addition to the Zeitghost, where I get to target my vitriol at one particularly loathsome prick in the music industry. With such a humongous amount of deserved targets, I'll probably run out of Wednesdays before I run out of wankers but that's a risk I'm willing to take for you guys.

First up Kiltimagh Crap Merchant Louis Walsh.

Louis Walsh is to music what predatory paedophiles are to the Internet. He sources out nubile young boys and grooms them to perform unspeakable acts for his pleasure. What's even more creepy is that you know he's permanently hiding an erection every time you see his pinched little mug. He's like those sacred heart pictures of Jesus who's eyes follow you around the room. Except it's Louis's jap's eye that has it's sights set on you laddy. Ick.

Louis is often credited as being a pop Svengali but his track record is shit. Aside from those dullard automaton's Westlife and Boyzone - who were identikit versions of each other - he has no success stories. Ronan Keating, Samantha Mumba, Bellefire are all residents of Skid Row, and the Carter Twins were such a ball of shite that even those boffins at Wikipedia are considering scrapping their entry because their legacy is so worthless. Oh the ignomy! Also as a foot note to Louis's shitness, the only band to ever eulogise him in song were the Donegal ewok-rockers The Revs with a tuneless packet of piss called 'Louis Walsh'.

And then there's the gayness. Everyone deserves their privacy, but Louis Walsh is such a misogynist little spunk-farter that it's in the public interest that he be outed. According to a news item on a bitchy gossip site i read ages ago, Louis always needed two cars when he was being transported to Shite-Factor recordings: one for his clammy-handed self, and the other for some stray rent boy he was knobbing at the time. I suppose he was taken around the back entry. Oooh-Er, Betty!

Louis's disgusting musical legacy will plague this Island for years to come. He has turned pop music into sinister and exploitative brand of accounting, where all that matters is the numbers. Okay so the whole of the music industry is about that - but at least there's some decent shit out there. If everyone did it Louis's way, all music would be one long, ear-bleeding, karaoke session.

That's pretty much my reasons for the vendetta right there. I'm glad i got it off my chest. All that need to be taken care of now are the formalities.

"Congratulations Louis Walsh: it's Wednesday and you're a wanker."