Gangsta (c)Rap

After the annual AGM of Zeitghost INC., it was decided that this column is going to have to diversify. We have to engage with new markets, launch some new product lines, streamline the business and get rid or some of the dead wood. It's been a tough time for us all here but together we can move forward and make a for a brighter future.

The swift conclusion was reached that drug dealing is really the only way out though isn't it? It's not a particularly bad rut I'm stuck in, but by my logic the sooner I start dealing drugs, the quicker I make money, ergo the sooner I'm out of the rut, and so the quicker I can give up drug dealing. It will be like I didn't even do it at all, your honor.

It's got such a stigma attached to it, but what if a couple more established business get involved and take some of the grubby shame from this apparently sordid practice.

What if Rowntrees secretly started putting cocaine on their Fruit Pastilles? What killjoy would complain? Or is the Lever Bros started increasing turnover by personally calling round and posting some free samples of heroin through your letterbox. It would be an ingenious, faultless way back into the red.

As I've said many times before in this space, no-one reads this anyway so it's the perfect cover to start a crime syndicate. I'll be right under the cops noses, but they won't even know it. Until I'm caught and during the epilogue they'll say how I was right under their noses the whole time. But that's not gonna happen. I already have an alias and an anonymous e-mail address. I could disappear in a second and not leave a single trace. I might have to call back and get some of my stuff though.

So what sort of shady drugs will Zeitghost INC. be offering? I'd only sell placebos, but these will be some of the cleanest placebos you could possibly find anywhere. There will be not a single intoxicating rush from these things that won't be entirely imagined. It will be a flagrant breach of the Misuse of Drugs Act 1998: you won't be able to misuse them no matter how hard you try. Snort them, chomp them, inject them, shove them up your bum, it's no use, they'll do nothing for you. They'll be the opposite of those trippy legal highs – illegal non-highs. It'll still be contraband so therefore it'll be 'cool' and the demand will be massive.

I always new a life of crime would suit me. I was a tough cookie as a child and I remain a hard case – I still drink my Ribena straight, and go through 60 candy fags a day. I was a such feral, unnameable youngster that they expelled me from the School of Hard Knocks. They called me the Marathon Man, because I was older and nuttier than a gone off Snickers. Now this is either me or Jimmy Cagney in 'White Heat', the memory is a bit hazy, but I'm pretty sure it's one of us.

Naturally I'm fully prepared to be caught at some stage and to go down in a blaze of glory: crime doesn't pay, but as volunteer work goes it's pretty exciting. Right now I'm cowering behind the fridge holding a Colt. 45 sweating at every cats meow thinking it's a siren, and that's just from walking past a car that was double parked earlier today. The thought of mixing it with with legendary, albeit fictional, gangsters like Scarface, Tony Soprano and The Hamburgler is giving me goose bumps. "I made it Ma, top of the world!………Ps. can you bring me a sleeping bag please because it's freezing up here."