The new audio recording of wanted terrorist Osama Bin Laden was recorded over a bootleg of the new Arctic Monkey's record, sources revealed today.
The tape, which was aired on the Arabic TV station al-Jazeera yesterday, offered a stern warning to the USA of "further attacks", but also hinted that the leader of al-Qaeda is up to speed with the latest indie wunderkind.
It is the first time Bin-Laden had been heard from since September 2004, and the first time he has displayed any inclination towards sprightly, northern indie-rock.
Analysts have dated the tape to late 2006, around the same time when Arctic Monkey's fever was hitting the British music press. The recording begins with the number one single 'I Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor' and is followed by a brief snippet of BBC radio dj Zane Lowe saying "SoftlysoftlycatchyArticMonkeywowieee-".
This excerpt, clearly recorded from the radio, is followed by the first two tracks of the Arctic Monkey's debut record "Whatever people say I am, That's What I'm Not". Half way through track number three, "Fake Tales Of San Francisco", Bin Laden interrupts and begins his 25 minute speech.
Although Bin Laden warns of further attacks, he also offers the possibility of a "long term truce" with America. Clearly smitten by his new musical discovery, he even punctuates his sentences with typical northern English vernacular such as 'nowt' and 'owt'.
"Your president is misinterpreting public opinion polls which show the vast majority of you want withdrawal from Iraq. Yous owt to get shot of 'im", Bin Laden warns.
Vice President Dick Cheney responded by calling the surreptitious planting of the Arctic Monkey's record on the tape "a ploy, designed to curry favour with the British public."
"Besides," Cheney continued, "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! are clearly a much better prospect for 2006, with greater musical scope and Alec Ounsworths haunting timbre to boot."
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